Well, writing about my feelings is no longer an addiction to me. Perhaps due to the fact that my age is nearing 30s now, hence I should be writing something more serious like career, future planning, or even politics. But for this entry, please bear to read something that I think somewhat very personal to me but I think no harm sharing. Read if you want to, and please click the ‘x’ button on top of the screen, far on your right hand-side.
While I am struggling in managing my time between my responsibilities at the workplace and also my my studies, as a human, I cannot escape from other problems too, specifically love affairs. Honestly, I don’t think I would open up my heart for another person after my previous failed relationship 7 years ago. Due to some unplanned and somewhat unforgiving circumstances, I had to let someone whom I used to think that she’s “my long lost other half” go. I felt so frustrated that I swore I would not let myself fall into the same situation ever again, and decided to seal my heart forever. Thus, relationship was never in my life dictionary since then.
However, as time passed by, the urge to have my own family, having a loving wife and adorable children, grew stronger and stronger each day. So, 2 years ago, for the first time after years being carefree, I opened up my heart to get to know this one lady. I was introduced to her by one of my colleagues as she is her cousin. I don’t have any problem of her being a year older than me because for me, age is just numbers. She has some of the characteristics that I would look for in my future wife. I felt for her the first time I saw her pictures on Facebook. Not that she’s deadly gorgeous looking, but she’s definitely decent looking.
And with the advancement of technology for I am very thankful of, I got to know more and more about her. Met her the first time at my colleague’s wedding. I thought to myself, “she is definitely the one for me” and I wanted to see her more. So we did.
One thing about her, she can be as cold as the Snow Queen sometimes for no apparent reason. But that didn’t stop me from trying to court her. So, we chatted and chatted and I enjoyed every single conversation we had especially through Whatsapp in which we could speak our minds like there’s no “full stop”. She made my heart beats faster than usual. I know she knew that I like her so much and she admitted that she likes me too.
And I decided to propose to her and planned to tie-the-knot on 12-12-12. And if u have read my statuses on Facebook and Twitter, well this is what I meant about 12-12-12. It is no longer a secret, and some would have already guessed this and you guessed right. Well, that was months before she was sent to Ireland for a short course. Oh well, it was not that short. 6 months is definitely long for me. I knew about her going there on May, and I was supposed to propose her on July. So, I decided to postpone the engagement. Plus, I was super duper busy with my studies and work.
When she got there… things started to get all mixed and jumbled up. Distance and time were separating us. More and more conflicts started to arise that I was so confused whether she was ready to get married or otherwise. She kept her silence for quite sometimes that I thought the thing between us will not work out. I could smell the ending, but I prayed hard hoping that it will turn out as planned.
12-12-12 has long gone. And here I am, single unmarried, writing this blog post. We stopped talking about a month ago giving ourselves some times to think. And guess what? Today I received a heart-breaking news that she, my girlfriend, my so-called “future wife” is getting married this April. Definitely not with me. So yeah, I am heart-broken! Damn I am.
2 years of nothing! I do believe in jodoh and takdir. Yes I do. Perhaps she’s not the one for me and perhaps I deserve someone better. I am trying my level best to accept this, but it was so sudden that I could not even believe that everything is over between us. Today is definitely the day that I would remember for life. I have heard similar stories from friends, but I have never imagined that I would be facing the same situation.
“To love you, it was unintended. To be dumped, it was intended unintended. Thanks”