some randomness from this one insatiable mind…

Monthly Archives: November 2009

time does fly. im almost done with my first year as a teacher. omg. didnt even realised it. *well, i lied. been doing countdown since august* lol. nonetheless, it’s coming real soon. in fact, 3 more days to go before i can actually put a fullstop to adjourn this freaking challenging year for my career.

throughout the year, i’ve learnt so much. perhaps too much than i can actually chew. but, i always believe in this, “experience is the best teacher”. and i need to gain as much experience as i can so that i can be better teacher. well, my first year thought me a lot.

1. Reality bites – not everyone in this farked-up world can have the same life with everybody else. some are rich.. some are poor. and some are in the middle between those two continuum. and i’ve seen both worlds. i was grown up in a pretty decent town, not too remote and not too urban. but somehow, i like the place. and i spent quite a number of years in big cities, even in overseas. so im pretty much been living my life as a city boy doing what city people do. being posted in a remote area in sabah has woken me up from living my long sweet dreams back to the reality. it was hard for me to accept it in the beginning. “how am i going to survive in this kind of place?”, the question that i have been asking myself for the first few months i was here. but somehow, why can people here survived..? and why cant i..? maybe because i put too much expectation of being posted somewhere near big city.. and already made some plan for my future. and when the posting news broke, everything seemed to be broken as well. and that’s y! so after a few months, i stopped thinking of all the plans made completely and started to think of new plans based on my current situations. well, that seems to help me a lot in going thru the year with less heartaches and headaches. i realised that i cant always have a gud life and somehow what seems like a bad life isnt bad afterall. it needs a lot of courage, determination and agilty to actually survive in this kind of place. it might be hard for the people here but they r used to it. it’s even harder for me as im not used to this kind of hardship. but hey, i’ve tried my best!

2. politics suck! – well talking bout politics, everything is dirty about it. the same goes with school politics (politics of educational sectors). it’s kinda sucky tho that the older generation actually perceives youger generation as a threat, which shudnt be happening if they want to provide better education for the people. the older ones love to compare. like the salary, the hardships that they went through before, the spirits of teaching and many other stuff which i dont think they shud be comparing about. well, they have to know that everything changes everytime. it goes in time. they shudnt expect that things are gonna stay the way they are forever. come on! grow up! everytime i go to courses, the speakers wud definitely gonna spend like half of the hours mumbling and rambling about how their life was, as if they wanna us to see how they deserve better than the we are. they keep commenting about new teachers who dont have the spirit of teaching, as if we are into this profession just for the sake of getting the pay. wow, what an over-generalisation made there… i somehow dont like being judged like that. well, nobody likes to be judged anyway. they shud know it better! i think, i’ve done a very good job as a new teacher. i do what i am supposed to do, despites the fact that are so many areas tht i need to improve on in the future. i’ve spent 6 years doing this teaching course, and i believe that the spirit of being a teacher has been imparted in me quite nicely. im not sure about people form any other express teacher training courses. but from my side of view, i believe that we have developed a gud teaching spirit. but somehow, dirty politics in school (and educational sector) make me lose my hope in this profesion line. i hate the fact that they are still some people who want names without doing anything besides “convincing-crapping-and shitting” to the people up there. and i hate to see that people who take credit over someone elses’ hardworks. i also hate to see that some people try to impose the “play by the book” rule when they dont do what they preached. and there are many other things that somehow too sensitive to be discussed, but im telling u, those issues are really realllly dirty! i hate em! arghhh.. and a year of teaching i’ve gone thru a lot of that crap that most of the time, i get mood swing out of it. i love teaching, but i hate the bad people in it. i dont belive in world class education if these kind of people still exist. do we have to wait for another 10 years to see changes in our education system? or shud we wait forever..?? bitches, dont do politics in school, do some teaching!

3. responsibilities – we are as teachers, we hold a gargantuan responsibilty towards our students, and people in general. no matter where you are posted, no matter how many students u have, the amount of responsibilities that u have to hold is equally the same. so, there shudnt be any more comments like “it’s easier for you to do that because u only have 5 students in your class compared to mine, 50.. bla bla bla”.  i hate being compared, but love to share. so better we share our experiences than to compare. it gives more benefits too. neway, we mould the students to mould their future. well, to mould better future for the students, we need to start doing it from the early stage. our main job is to teach,  and we are responsible to teach the students what they need to know. after a year, i could see there are some teachers who do not do their main responsibilty well enough, what more to do other things. if u r being responsible enough, u wudnt let other teacher to take over your class for the whole year, and blame that teacher if the students failed their paper, when it’s actually your responsibilty. and i’m sure u cud prepare the monthly test papers yourself, but you asked that teacher to do it for u just because u think u have the power and u are ‘busy’ enough to handle it. but the ironic part is, u still get the benefits (like BISP) when you dont even put any effort to get those. pretty farked up people! whatever it is, im not guilty of that. i think i’ve been a gud teacher who plays their roles and responsibilities well (need some improvements). im quite pleased with the effort put throughout the years like seeing students use simple english in their daily conversation now compared to early of this year. from knowing nothing in english, to know how to use dictionary to find the english words for things. from getting zero in their tests, to getting pass (well there are some students who got As for their end of year exam)! i hope to see more of good things next year so that i could reflect and make some improvements.

4. “you can pick your friends, but not ur colleagues. so live with it” (Jarod, 2009) – thx jarod for summing up this part of my entry. lol. working a year with my colleagues has made me understood the nature of working with people. every single person has his/her own differences. and it is how we bridge about the gaps make the difference! u might find one of your colleagues, a bit of a pain-in-the-arse, but he/she might have something good to offer. so, we have to be wise in squeezing all the goods from them, and ignoring all the bads.. frankly speaking, i do have some issues with my colleagues. some are too annoying and some are too decent, some are just too open and some are too shallow. well, that’s not my main issues with them. for me, the issue is more of our differences in brainwave. it’s hard to hold a professional conversation with some of them just because of this difference. no matter how convincing u are by giving proves and evidences, but they just dont seem to get it. it’s frustating most of the time. but, i have to be professional. i tried to maintain that, but there were times when i just couldnt hold myself but to give them that ‘look’. and sometimes, i gave them cynical remarks (tho they rarely cud figure it). despites those looks and remarks, i always kept myself away from them to let the anger and frustation subside. and just observe from afar. the best way to deal with challenging colleagues is to keep myself shut! i would only open my mouth when i have to. so far, it’s the best strategy.

ok now im blanked. cudnt thing of anything to talk about. would talk more about this, perhaps in later entries. so that’s it for now. au revoir! 

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aku manusia biasa, yang tak lari dari dosa. aku insan hina, yang tak bisa kecapi rasa bahagia. aku adalah aku, yang penuh dengan isu. maafkan aku kerna tika ini, aku hanya mampu membisu…


dark clouds are all over me now. there’s no sun to brighten up my day.

well, im pretty much unsure why am i being so emotional lately. i feel like im being forced to live in an unstable emotional state. being cranky all day long, and in fact all week long, isnt very exciting. honestly, it kills me. it kills everything i have.

sometimes i feel like people are giving me hell lately.

asking me to do things i dont want to do.. – like ‘duh.. it’s not even a part of my responsibility. it yours actually.. and y the hell did u ask me to do it. i would help if i could. but, not now. i dont feel like doing anything. i just feel like doing my work, go back home and sleep. i wish i cud live a life like that for the time being. but as always, reality bites. it doesnt always go the way u want it to be. and worst of all, i have to succumb to that.

questioning all my actions – which dont matter to them at all… some people, they are just born as busy bodies. they get nosy about everything, including those that dont concern them. hey biatches, grow up and get a life. i do what i want to do. and i dont think that my actions give impact to ur life anyway. so why bother questioning when u get nothing out of it. dont u know that by questioning all of my actions, u’ve actually stepped too close into my personal space..? and tell u what, i hate it very much. i need my space! as long as i dont question ur actions, then please step back!!

blame me on all of the problems – i dont know why i always end up in people mess. and somehow, im indirectly involved in the mess as well. sometimes people come to me and ask me some advice. well, claiming myself as a good friend, i wud definitely tell them what i think about their problems. the nature of giving and taking advice, each party should know that they have to consider everything before taking one’s advices. they cant simply take it without even consider it themselves. and if things went wrong, then i’ll be put the blame on. happened to me a few times and it happened again lately. so, sometimes i feel like well, there’s no use of giving advice to people anymore. at the end of the day, i’d be blamed again!

giving me that cynical looks – which i dont think i deserve them… just becoz im a bit different from u? well, honestly u act like a baby. u judged me, but i didnt. u said i cant accept negative comments, but in fact i’ve explained my situation, gave reasons for my actions and considered ur comments. well, if i think tht the comments are not true, then of course i have to defend myself professionally. and when i do so, u said im being defensive, when u r the one who actually have issues with urself. 

treating me like i know nothing about the world – i am a 24–year old guy. i’m a grown up adult. for god sake. dont treat me like im a toddler. i dont like people to dictate my life as if im incapable of doing so. i have a life and i want to lead my life as i like. u dont tell me to do things just becoz u feel it’s right to do so. u dont blame me just bcoz i dont do things u asked me to do. bcoz it’s my life and i have the total right to do things my way.

phew… finally, im able to finish this after a few times saved it as a draft. well, this entry is written when im being enveloped with negative energies. so im sure some of u might feel as if im directing some of the issues up there to u. but honestly, i dont think that the ones im directing to, know the existence of this blog anyway. but if u feel like im talking about u, please ask me to confirm. i dont want our relationship goes sour just becoz of this one.

and last but not least,

“dark clouds please go away, little mien wanna play”