hmm exactly 2 weeks since the last time i’ve updated my blog. well, i got a few entries i wrote half-way and then stopped just because i was lost in metacogniting process. I hate when that happened. I got a bucket of unfinished entries which i dont know when im going to look at them again and finish them up. good news, internet in school is getting better,and we even have wifi now (using a router and school’s internet). therefore, i dont have to go down to the scary computer lab at nite anymore.. yeahoo!
and these 2 weeks, i’ve been thinking about someone so much. someone that, until this point of time, i couldnt define my feelings towards this person. like, love or just lust! but if it’s just another lusty crush, it shud have faded away since it’s been going on for a long time now. my feeling is getting stronger by day. i cud feel that it’s filling all the empty spaces in me, bit by bit. sometimes it makes me smile, frown, anxious, excited and the list continues. im pretty sure that im falling for someone again.
but deep down inside me, im afraid to think of that. to think that im loving someone. to think that i need to be committed again. to think that somehow i have to change myself to the better. not that i dont want to, but it just that im quite pleased with the way im leading my life at the moment.
or is it that im afraid of being cheated and left again?
well i cant deny that love makes us feel complete, if it is successful or when it’s still sizzling hot. but what if it doesnt go the way we want it at the end of the day? i know the feelings of falling in and out of love. and im pretty sure, being out of love after sacrificed everything is one of the most haunting nightmares ever in my life. yea, i guess im afraid of that. afraid of being chased and haunted by the kind of nightmare created by me. it can make me pee on the bed, u know?.
falling out of love is like being left alone in a dark place where u cant see anything but the darkness. and what makes it worst is that u cud hear all the eerie and spooky sounds within the darkness. there’s no one to turn to. absolutely nothing, but u and the darkness. even so, u cant hide yourself or u cant just put your hands on ur face pretending that it never happens, and wait for the ray of sunshine to guide u back to where you belong. it’s not as easy as that. it takes lot of our resources to be back normal.
but i do want to love someone and be loved back by that someone. perhaps, for the moment, i should try to define the feelings im having now. and i should give myself some time to think over this matter. and try to plan out something to actually settle this. i dont want to make a quick decision, which can make me regret it later. so, i guess the best thing to do is to wait and let the time to decide.
so, mien. dont fall just yet, ok.
p/s: i think i might be too open in this entry. haha dont call me jiwang or emo or whatoever ok! 😛