Well, writing about my feelings is no longer an addiction to me. Perhaps due to the fact that my age is nearing 30s now, hence I should be writing something more serious like career, future planning, or even politics. But for this entry, please bear to read something that I think somewhat very personal to me but I think no harm sharing. Read if you want to, and please click the ‘x’ button on top of the screen, far on your right hand-side.
While I am struggling in managing my time between my responsibilities at the workplace and also my my studies, as a human, I cannot escape from other problems too, specifically love affairs. Honestly, I don’t think I would open up my heart for another person after my previous failed relationship 7 years ago. Due to some unplanned and somewhat unforgiving circumstances, I had to let someone whom I used to think that she’s “my long lost other half” go. I felt so frustrated that I swore I would not let myself fall into the same situation ever again, and decided to seal my heart forever. Thus, relationship was never in my life dictionary since then.
However, as time passed by, the urge to have my own family, having a loving wife and adorable children, grew stronger and stronger each day. So, 2 years ago, for the first time after years being carefree, I opened up my heart to get to know this one lady. I was introduced to her by one of my colleagues as she is her cousin. I don’t have any problem of her being a year older than me because for me, age is just numbers. She has some of the characteristics that I would look for in my future wife. I felt for her the first time I saw her pictures on Facebook. Not that she’s deadly gorgeous looking, but she’s definitely decent looking.
And with the advancement of technology for I am very thankful of, I got to know more and more about her. Met her the first time at my colleague’s wedding. I thought to myself, “she is definitely the one for me” and I wanted to see her more. So we did.
One thing about her, she can be as cold as the Snow Queen sometimes for no apparent reason. But that didn’t stop me from trying to court her. So, we chatted and chatted and I enjoyed every single conversation we had especially through Whatsapp in which we could speak our minds like there’s no “full stop”. She made my heart beats faster than usual. I know she knew that I like her so much and she admitted that she likes me too.
And I decided to propose to her and planned to tie-the-knot on 12-12-12. And if u have read my statuses on Facebook and Twitter, well this is what I meant about 12-12-12. It is no longer a secret, and some would have already guessed this and you guessed right. Well, that was months before she was sent to Ireland for a short course. Oh well, it was not that short. 6 months is definitely long for me. I knew about her going there on May, and I was supposed to propose her on July. So, I decided to postpone the engagement. Plus, I was super duper busy with my studies and work.
When she got there… things started to get all mixed and jumbled up. Distance and time were separating us. More and more conflicts started to arise that I was so confused whether she was ready to get married or otherwise. She kept her silence for quite sometimes that I thought the thing between us will not work out. I could smell the ending, but I prayed hard hoping that it will turn out as planned.
12-12-12 has long gone. And here I am, single unmarried, writing this blog post. We stopped talking about a month ago giving ourselves some times to think. And guess what? Today I received a heart-breaking news that she, my girlfriend, my so-called “future wife” is getting married this April. Definitely not with me. So yeah, I am heart-broken! Damn I am.
2 years of nothing! I do believe in jodoh and takdir. Yes I do. Perhaps she’s not the one for me and perhaps I deserve someone better. I am trying my level best to accept this, but it was so sudden that I could not even believe that everything is over between us. Today is definitely the day that I would remember for life. I have heard similar stories from friends, but I have never imagined that I would be facing the same situation.
“To love you, it was unintended. To be dumped, it was intended unintended. Thanks”
Ahlan wasahlan ya 2013. I had a great year last year especially in terms of my career and future planning. Allah has given me way too much great opportunities to improve myself better that sometimes I forgot to thank Him for all that. Alhamdulillah. Despite all that, what is life without disappointments, heart-breaks and hurdles right. Yeah, been through a lot of those last year, yet I managed to put my feet on the ground again and went through those tests.
Alhamdulillah, with strong and undying love and support from beloved family and friends, I managed to get through 2012. They said, experience is the best teacher. I totally second that.
For this year, there are a few things that i’d like to accomplish:
1. Finish up my master with a good pointer. Alhamdulillah, so far I managed to get the post-grad faculty award for all the semester. I have just completed my third semester, and the result is not out yet. The final semester will commence in March and it is expected to end in June. In sha Allah, i’ll try my best.
2. Career move, In Sha Allah. Not that I dont like being where I am working now. But I feel there is a need for me to experience something new. New environment, new challenges. Honestly there are times in which I think the system in which I am in now being pretty unfair. For example, anugerah perkhidmatan cemerlang. I think I deserve to get such recognition for my contributions. My contributions are not limited to school level only, but i’ve contributed at the international level. Yet, my name was not in the list, and those selected were very unfamiliar. What does that imply?
3. Getting closer to God, in sha Allah. I have had enough of being young, naughty and fearless of the consequences of my actions. Now it is time for me to be closer to Allah. It’ll take awhile, but i’ll try my best. In the process of collecting pieces of my faith which was shattered due to my ignorance and rebellious nature.
4. More to come…
Although, I always put my family first, but friends would always be the second. It shows how important friends are to me. After 26 years, I’ve been collecting quite a number of friends ranging from just acquaintances to best-friends. It’s undeniable that some are more important and influential than the others, but I always take friendships seriously no matter what level the friendship is.
Thing about friendship is, it is defined and sculptured by time. Time always be the main catalyst in defining and sculpturing the image of the friendship that we built. Over time, friendships can change into something so special and worth treasuring, or it could go the opposite; dark, dirty and worthless.
Over time, level of friendship of friends could move in whichever direction alongside the continuum or it could remain at the same spot. For example; an ordinary friend could stay as just an ordinary friend, or he/she could be my best-friend or my worst enemy, after 10 years. It shows how time defines the friendships. Look can always be deceiving. That’s the reason why we cant actually put where a friend should stand on that continuum at the early stage of a friendship because most people don’t show their true colours to someone they just met/knew. Only after sometimes, their true colours would be revealed, either accidentally or purposely. Then only we know what kind of friends they are and where they should stand.
Life’s like playing football. U wouldnt know what will u score at the end of the game.
Life is indeed unpredictable.
Therefore, just try your best to win the game. No matter whatever of whoever will try to stop you along the way, dont stop and just keep on going.
Winning or losing the game is another part of the story, but at least u know u have tried your best. The experiences learnt throughout the game will make u grow tougher for another challenging game in the future…
Oh yes. I have been busy since the first day i started working this year. And obviously i could not manage to complete the 30days challenge! My bad. It shows that i am not a good blogger! But worry not, i still find some time to read your blogs, tho i rarely comment on them.
ok ok fine i’ve delayed that 30–day challenge. Im still stuck at day 6! darn. been busy with stuff, really. lol. or was it just another lame excuse for not upating. like seriously, it gets really hard to update once u stop for months. tend to face writer’s block all the way in writing a single entry. hence, no update!
neway, talking about my holiday.. i think i am trying to enjoy it to the max. tho it gets really boring sometimes, but i think i should be grateful for having this long holiday luxury! not that everyone can have it. most of my friends are whining about not having enough holiday la.. dah abes cuti tahunan la.. hehe pity them really. but that’s the kind of life fact that one should accept. u get less in something, but u get more in other things. u cant always have everything the way you want it to be.
so what do i do with my holiday?
1. im on a really tight budget at the moment. after the transfer, i only receive the basic pay which is not that much. enough to pay bills and makan je!
2. so, based on my current financial situation, i couldnt afford to travel overseas like i used to do previously. so i stick in travelling in malaysia, which is also quite costly; fuels and tolls.
3. been travelling back and forth from kemaman – kuantan – kuala lumpur – kuantan – kemaman for weddings and dating! a lot of weddings but only one date so far. hope it could be more “dates” with that someone later in near future as i really really reallllllly like you! *if u r reading this*
4. Yup, as i said just now. I spend most of my weekends attending weddings; friends and relatives’ weddings. People choose to get married during this school break for god knows why! and apparently, most of my friends are getting married this year! maybe it’s time! haha and talking bout weddings, so far, i’ve been invited to more than 25 weddings, which the last wedding i was invited would be held in June 2011. lol. that’s kinda lama lagi kan..?
5. Besides wedding, i spend my time doing baby-sitting to my nieces and nephews. My sisters are all busy working adults. travelling a lot and what left are their babies at my parents place. haha.. so me having nothing to do, and being a nice uncle, do baby-sitting lah! but i kinda enjoy it tho! i love kids. and hope kids love me too!
6. Oh i am also my sis’ chauffer! haha.. if she is lazy to drive for a day meeting, i would be called up and hired to be her driver lah. i would offer myself if she has meeting in KL so that i could plan on meeting you again *if only u read this*. sambil menyelam sambil minum air, as how the malay proverb sounds like! hahaha and being a driver, she insisted me to follow her to JB from 15–17 Dec and Penang from 27–29 Dec. Seems like ad-hoc unplanned holiday are rested upon me, but somehow i kinda like it!
7. Other than that, i do normal routine. Being an adult, i do go out lepaking with friends. Usually i just go out in the evening around 5.30 to Hai Peng Kopitiam for a cup of coffee or two. Then at nite, around 10pm, another round of coffee and loud borak2 session with mates at Kemaman Station! Kalau rajin, i would drive up to Kuantan to lepak2, but not that often lah…
8. I would just stay at home if i have nothing interesting to do, or just to save up some money. I would just stay in my bed get online, reading blogs and online papers and tabloids and gossip pages and etc. Then i fill up my stomach till it is fully filled and tak bleh bernafas kekenyangan. Go back to my room. Either online or tido! Not a healthy lifestyle i lead. Arghhh!!
So thats about it really!
p/s: bila kita nk date lg! i takut nk sms u, sbb u tak suka reply!
Day 5: A time you thought about ending your own life…
My life gets really miserable sometimes. But whose life doesnt?
Altho how miserable my life have been and would be in the future, i never thought of ending it. For as long as i’ve lived, about 25 years now, i’ve been thru all the ups and downs the life could offer. I’ve been thru lotsa hardships and miseries that i sometimes feel so clueless of what to do with my life, but having the thought of ending it, just insane!
Because, we only have one life. And this one life is too precious to be wasted. And i’ll try my best to live it to the fullest. They say, seize the day! and so i’ll seize it!
Day 4 : Your view on religion!
Was born and raised as a muslim. Nothing would change.
Well all religions teach people to do good and forbid them from doing the bads. We are not supposed to question which religion is better than the other. As long as you know which one to choose and you follow its teaching, then it should be good enough.
For me, religion is a way of life. It gives u the guidelines on how you should live your life. There are rules that you have to follow and obey in order to ensure everything works in place; peace and harmony. I accept the fact that everything about us is limited. We have limited control over everything including ourselves. Thus, these rules are created just to remind human like us that every single action, comes with certain consequences.
Having said that, we are given the full autonomy either to follow what the religion says or otherwise. Bearing in mind that we are ready to take all the responsibilities over the consequences of our actions. Some religions promise pahala and dosa, heaven and hell for every deed we do! So, u pick what you want!
Really, what makes me feel bad about certain religions is because of those extremists. They go beyond what the religion preaches. They act like they are the sole owner of the religion. These people, they sometimes go too deep in understanding the ‘religion’ forgetting the basic values of the religion itself. I have came across too many incidences in which these ‘deep understandings’ clashed with basic teachings, and that caused confusion, especially for beginner like me.
So guys, if u r really into certain religion, go and read and learn about it from many sources not just one. and you shall find the beauty of it.
p/s: not a good muslim myself, but trying to…
Day 3 : Your view on drugs and alcohol.
This gonna be very short as i dont find it interesting enought to talk about!
1. Drugs and alcohol can be useful but it can also be misused!
2. If misused, it causes a lot of problems to that particular individual and the society at large. U’ve heard so many cases like crime and stuff, related to drugs and alcohol.
3. Many religions forbid their followers to abuse drugs and drink alcohols.
4. I dont judge those who take drugs and alcohol. They have their own reasons for doing so. and hey, who am I to judge? But you should know what’s good and bad for you.
5. If you were to take on drugs and alcohol, please do it sensibly. Dont cause others to suffer because of your irresponsible actions.
6. Dont drink and drive. But you can smoke and fly.
7. Better lead a healthy life!
p/s: mind is miles away. cannot put on my thinking cap! aiyak!
Day 2 : Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
I want to be back in LONDON in 10 years time.
To some, holding a bachelor degree is enough. They start to stagnate. But not for me. I wont feel satisfied till i finally get hold of that doctorate degree; the pinnacle of academic achievement one could achieve. It’s not someting impossible, but it needs hard work and determination. And that’s my goal for these 10 years duration.
The initial plan was, after completing my bachelor degree, i wanted to do my master degree straight away. Unfortunately, i got posted to a rural area in Sabah. The circumstances didnt allow me to go on with the plan, so i decided to halt it. I was frustated. Knowing that some of my coursemates were already into some master degree programs, the frustation got to its highest peak but i could not do anything about it, but to telan air liur and be patient.
Now that i am no longer in the wilderness, it’s time for me to catch up with the rest.
1. I plan to apply for a master degree program middle of next year, might be June intake.
2. Still considering the course i would take up, but i am pretty sure which uni i am going to.
3. It’ll be done in part-time basis. The duration of the course would be 4 – 6 semesters, about 3 years to complete.
4. After completing the course, my 4–year contract with the MoE should have ended so i am no longer bonded.
5. I will apply for a teaching post in any local or foreign uni. (uitm or any uni in brunei or thailand should be good).
6. Will teach in uni for another 3 – 4 years before applying for scholarship to do my doctorate.
7. Any uni in London or UK should be good for my doctorate. I am not that fussy. (Cambridge/Exeter/Reading should be good)
8. Will spend another 3–4 years for the program.
9. So by the end of these 10 years duration, i’d be in London (or UK) still undergoing the postgraduate course.
10. I’ll be 35 years old by that time. Kertu sudah! 😛
So that’s about it really… That’s how far i could imagine myself in 10 years time. It’s a bit too ambitious, but i think i can make it and i really wanna make it real…
p/s: anyone care to join..?