time does fly. im almost done with my first year as a teacher. omg. didnt even realised it. *well, i lied. been doing countdown since august* lol. nonetheless, it’s coming real soon. in fact, 3 more days to go before i can actually put a fullstop to adjourn this freaking challenging year for my career.

throughout the year, i’ve learnt so much. perhaps too much than i can actually chew. but, i always believe in this, “experience is the best teacher”. and i need to gain as much experience as i can so that i can be better teacher. well, my first year thought me a lot.

1. Reality bites – not everyone in this farked-up world can have the same life with everybody else. some are rich.. some are poor. and some are in the middle between those two continuum. and i’ve seen both worlds. i was grown up in a pretty decent town, not too remote and not too urban. but somehow, i like the place. and i spent quite a number of years in big cities, even in overseas. so im pretty much been living my life as a city boy doing what city people do. being posted in a remote area in sabah has woken me up from living my long sweet dreams back to the reality. it was hard for me to accept it in the beginning. “how am i going to survive in this kind of place?”, the question that i have been asking myself for the first few months i was here. but somehow, why can people here survived..? and why cant i..? maybe because i put too much expectation of being posted somewhere near big city.. and already made some plan for my future. and when the posting news broke, everything seemed to be broken as well. and that’s y! so after a few months, i stopped thinking of all the plans made completely and started to think of new plans based on my current situations. well, that seems to help me a lot in going thru the year with less heartaches and headaches. i realised that i cant always have a gud life and somehow what seems like a bad life isnt bad afterall. it needs a lot of courage, determination and agilty to actually survive in this kind of place. it might be hard for the people here but they r used to it. it’s even harder for me as im not used to this kind of hardship. but hey, i’ve tried my best!

2. politics suck! – well talking bout politics, everything is dirty about it. the same goes with school politics (politics of educational sectors). it’s kinda sucky tho that the older generation actually perceives youger generation as a threat, which shudnt be happening if they want to provide better education for the people. the older ones love to compare. like the salary, the hardships that they went through before, the spirits of teaching and many other stuff which i dont think they shud be comparing about. well, they have to know that everything changes everytime. it goes in time. they shudnt expect that things are gonna stay the way they are forever. come on! grow up! everytime i go to courses, the speakers wud definitely gonna spend like half of the hours mumbling and rambling about how their life was, as if they wanna us to see how they deserve better than the we are. they keep commenting about new teachers who dont have the spirit of teaching, as if we are into this profession just for the sake of getting the pay. wow, what an over-generalisation made there… i somehow dont like being judged like that. well, nobody likes to be judged anyway. they shud know it better! i think, i’ve done a very good job as a new teacher. i do what i am supposed to do, despites the fact that are so many areas tht i need to improve on in the future. i’ve spent 6 years doing this teaching course, and i believe that the spirit of being a teacher has been imparted in me quite nicely. im not sure about people form any other express teacher training courses. but from my side of view, i believe that we have developed a gud teaching spirit. but somehow, dirty politics in school (and educational sector) make me lose my hope in this profesion line. i hate the fact that they are still some people who want names without doing anything besides “convincing-crapping-and shitting” to the people up there. and i hate to see that people who take credit over someone elses’ hardworks. i also hate to see that some people try to impose the “play by the book” rule when they dont do what they preached. and there are many other things that somehow too sensitive to be discussed, but im telling u, those issues are really realllly dirty! i hate em! arghhh.. and a year of teaching i’ve gone thru a lot of that crap that most of the time, i get mood swing out of it. i love teaching, but i hate the bad people in it. i dont belive in world class education if these kind of people still exist. do we have to wait for another 10 years to see changes in our education system? or shud we wait forever..?? bitches, dont do politics in school, do some teaching!

3. responsibilities – we are as teachers, we hold a gargantuan responsibilty towards our students, and people in general. no matter where you are posted, no matter how many students u have, the amount of responsibilities that u have to hold is equally the same. so, there shudnt be any more comments like “it’s easier for you to do that because u only have 5 students in your class compared to mine, 50.. bla bla bla”.  i hate being compared, but love to share. so better we share our experiences than to compare. it gives more benefits too. neway, we mould the students to mould their future. well, to mould better future for the students, we need to start doing it from the early stage. our main job is to teach,  and we are responsible to teach the students what they need to know. after a year, i could see there are some teachers who do not do their main responsibilty well enough, what more to do other things. if u r being responsible enough, u wudnt let other teacher to take over your class for the whole year, and blame that teacher if the students failed their paper, when it’s actually your responsibilty. and i’m sure u cud prepare the monthly test papers yourself, but you asked that teacher to do it for u just because u think u have the power and u are ‘busy’ enough to handle it. but the ironic part is, u still get the benefits (like BISP) when you dont even put any effort to get those. pretty farked up people! whatever it is, im not guilty of that. i think i’ve been a gud teacher who plays their roles and responsibilities well (need some improvements). im quite pleased with the effort put throughout the years like seeing students use simple english in their daily conversation now compared to early of this year. from knowing nothing in english, to know how to use dictionary to find the english words for things. from getting zero in their tests, to getting pass (well there are some students who got As for their end of year exam)! i hope to see more of good things next year so that i could reflect and make some improvements.

4. “you can pick your friends, but not ur colleagues. so live with it” (Jarod, 2009) – thx jarod for summing up this part of my entry. lol. working a year with my colleagues has made me understood the nature of working with people. every single person has his/her own differences. and it is how we bridge about the gaps make the difference! u might find one of your colleagues, a bit of a pain-in-the-arse, but he/she might have something good to offer. so, we have to be wise in squeezing all the goods from them, and ignoring all the bads.. frankly speaking, i do have some issues with my colleagues. some are too annoying and some are too decent, some are just too open and some are too shallow. well, that’s not my main issues with them. for me, the issue is more of our differences in brainwave. it’s hard to hold a professional conversation with some of them just because of this difference. no matter how convincing u are by giving proves and evidences, but they just dont seem to get it. it’s frustating most of the time. but, i have to be professional. i tried to maintain that, but there were times when i just couldnt hold myself but to give them that ‘look’. and sometimes, i gave them cynical remarks (tho they rarely cud figure it). despites those looks and remarks, i always kept myself away from them to let the anger and frustation subside. and just observe from afar. the best way to deal with challenging colleagues is to keep myself shut! i would only open my mouth when i have to. so far, it’s the best strategy.

ok now im blanked. cudnt thing of anything to talk about. would talk more about this, perhaps in later entries. so that’s it for now. au revoir! 

aku manusia biasa, yang tak lari dari dosa. aku insan hina, yang tak bisa kecapi rasa bahagia. aku adalah aku, yang penuh dengan isu. maafkan aku kerna tika ini, aku hanya mampu membisu…

dark clouds are all over me now. there’s no sun to brighten up my day.

well, im pretty much unsure why am i being so emotional lately. i feel like im being forced to live in an unstable emotional state. being cranky all day long, and in fact all week long, isnt very exciting. honestly, it kills me. it kills everything i have.

sometimes i feel like people are giving me hell lately.

asking me to do things i dont want to do.. – like ‘duh.. it’s not even a part of my responsibility. it yours actually.. and y the hell did u ask me to do it. i would help if i could. but, not now. i dont feel like doing anything. i just feel like doing my work, go back home and sleep. i wish i cud live a life like that for the time being. but as always, reality bites. it doesnt always go the way u want it to be. and worst of all, i have to succumb to that.

questioning all my actions – which dont matter to them at all… some people, they are just born as busy bodies. they get nosy about everything, including those that dont concern them. hey biatches, grow up and get a life. i do what i want to do. and i dont think that my actions give impact to ur life anyway. so why bother questioning when u get nothing out of it. dont u know that by questioning all of my actions, u’ve actually stepped too close into my personal space..? and tell u what, i hate it very much. i need my space! as long as i dont question ur actions, then please step back!!

blame me on all of the problems – i dont know why i always end up in people mess. and somehow, im indirectly involved in the mess as well. sometimes people come to me and ask me some advice. well, claiming myself as a good friend, i wud definitely tell them what i think about their problems. the nature of giving and taking advice, each party should know that they have to consider everything before taking one’s advices. they cant simply take it without even consider it themselves. and if things went wrong, then i’ll be put the blame on. happened to me a few times and it happened again lately. so, sometimes i feel like well, there’s no use of giving advice to people anymore. at the end of the day, i’d be blamed again!

giving me that cynical looks – which i dont think i deserve them… just becoz im a bit different from u? well, honestly u act like a baby. u judged me, but i didnt. u said i cant accept negative comments, but in fact i’ve explained my situation, gave reasons for my actions and considered ur comments. well, if i think tht the comments are not true, then of course i have to defend myself professionally. and when i do so, u said im being defensive, when u r the one who actually have issues with urself. 

treating me like i know nothing about the world – i am a 24–year old guy. i’m a grown up adult. for god sake. dont treat me like im a toddler. i dont like people to dictate my life as if im incapable of doing so. i have a life and i want to lead my life as i like. u dont tell me to do things just becoz u feel it’s right to do so. u dont blame me just bcoz i dont do things u asked me to do. bcoz it’s my life and i have the total right to do things my way.

phew… finally, im able to finish this after a few times saved it as a draft. well, this entry is written when im being enveloped with negative energies. so im sure some of u might feel as if im directing some of the issues up there to u. but honestly, i dont think that the ones im directing to, know the existence of this blog anyway. but if u feel like im talking about u, please ask me to confirm. i dont want our relationship goes sour just becoz of this one.

and last but not least,

“dark clouds please go away, little mien wanna play”

There will be no more free credit cards which are currently being used extensively. A fee of Rm 50 will be charged to the users per year.

*sucks*

im paying a pretty high interest for any overdraft to the bank. now i have to pay that RM50 charge every year for my “free for life” credit card”. how sucks is that.

and i just cant wait…

taken from http://www.theheritagebangkok.com

Well, well, well — how long has this been going on? Could it be that while you weren’t looking, something kindled (or rekindled) between the two of you just when you least expected it? Isn’t that always the way it is with romance? Just when you thought it had gone for good, it always pops up again. Go ahead and see where this goes — it’s too good an opportunity to waste.

* back-dated entry

coz for us (from boyz to men to brothers), each ending usually ends with ‘see u again soon’. and that’s what we always hold on to. and after being parted for the past 6 months trying to start our new life, we decided to meet again. this time around, the reunion, for me, was indeed a special one. it’s more of celebrating our relationship that has been going on since the first day we registered ourselves in the college. then, it started to build up to something more special that just coursemates, housemates or roomates. we are proud to say that we are friends and brothers despite the fact that we are from different background; family, race and religion.

throughout the college years, we have stood to each other no matter what. it’s undeniable that there were times when we were not in snych with each other. we had differences. but we managed to bridge those differences and accepted them. that what makes us bonded really well. altho we have different characters, but we are very open minded. everything else, doesnt matter anymore.

so here I would like to share some photos during our reunion at the Italiannies at the garden. A very nice restaurant for fine dining. It was a great dinner. Unfortunately I was really ill that nite and wasnt able to stay for long. Im sure some of u might have seen the photos i uploaded on Facebook, or might have seen it at Jarod’s blog, but to those who havent, here you are…

“two”?? haha it supposed to be From Boys to Men to Brothers Reunion. LOL

the brothers. well, some of us.

the ones who showed up. too bad not all were able to attend.

this charming guy drove all the way from JB for the dinner. auwww

US. haha sorry i ruined the picture. i wasnt smiling at all… Tioman next!

Lately, everything seems to depress me. I dont know why, but it seems like im lost in my own mind. perhaps i am thinking too much about negative things that happened around me lately. Im a bit of a thinker. I cant help myself to think, even over small things. I know, it’s bad too dwell into those negative things, but i just cant help it.. as a result, im really really depressed. haha an when im depressed, i think of my family. but we are ocean apart, and im homesick! it makes me cry like a baby.. oh darn it! hehe

neway, my parents flew off to mecca to perform their umrah yesterday. im happy for them coz they have been longing to go there for a very long time now. but, im pretty sad coz i couldnt send them off. all my family members were there at the airport, but me. what more can be so frustating than that..? and im stuck here in this kampung with no mobile coverage. sux big time. lucky the internet is ok now. and i could get to know my parents’ being chatting with my sis. *frustated* *demotivated* *homesick*. despite all these negative feelings, im hoping that they will do just fine over there and will perform their umrah perfectly.

i knew that it’s gonna be hard for me to call them once i get back to beluran, so i called them a few times during the weekend. and my mom was like “abe ado masalah ko..?” after receiving a few continuous calls from me. sape yang tak pelik, tak pernah2 aku buat macam tu.. hahaha.. and jus before i hang up, i did ask my mom to pray for my safety and success. i did ask her to pray that i will be a better muslim too…

arghh writing this entry makes me feel homesick again. i better stop! daaa… ~

since i was a small kid, school holiday is always the time for people to get married. and up until now, the trend is still unchanged and im sure it will not be changing soon. but previously, i just went to some relatives’ weddings, but now, im attending my friends’. the same age as me, but already married or getting married. not that i envy them really. but it’s something that i find rather interesting and amusing at the same time. how come they wanna get married so soon, when im still struggling to stabilise my own life. haha.. still a bit too unstable to actually share the life with someone else. lol.

neway. here i would like to congratulate a few friends of mine who got married during the school holiday. im sorry for not being able to attend your wedding as i was really tide up by time. too many things/events to do at a very limited of time. really couldnt manage my time well. thus i cudnt not attend your weddings altho i did receive ur invitations. it is something that i regret, and im truly sorry.

so, to dearest;

Soya and Najeeb – Selamat Pengantin Baru. Hope u will be able to share ur lifetime together forever without much disturbance. Remember, marriage is not always a smooth sailing journey. there’ll be time when thunders and hurricanes strike. but if u believe that ur love towards each other is true, then u r strong enuff to face all those. gud luck in that. and have fun having a long honeymoon in Pulau Tioman. damn. im jealous now. hahaha

Hafiz and Asmah – ooo man, i can believe tht u guys are already married. and now boleh la korang menaiki kereta bersama coz u r legally married. hahah congratz to both of u. again, im very sorry that i cudnt attend ur wedding. the date was too close to my sis’ wedding. neway im sure gonna meet u guys here in kota kinabalu soon. not sure. maybe next week. together with a few others kot. ape2 pon, congratz again. jaga asmah elok2. and asmah, jaga hafiz elok2… u made it thru the tests all these while. 6 years being together as a couple is really an achievement. what makes it more special is that it ends with a marriage. you guys rock!! moga cepat2 dapat baby. bha, kalau ko dh kawin sama org saba, ko duduk sia sini, jangan pindah2 bha. hahaha

so far, no more invitation received. but im sure, there’ll be more soon. dont forget to send me invitation ok. next time, i’ll try to plan my time so that i can go to your weddings.

and last but not least, dont ask when im getting married, because i, myself, not sure when.. hahaha.. been harrased a lot by my uncles and aunts during my sis’ wedding. nosy people. lol

wah.. minggu ni macam laju je aku menghapdet blog aku. not so much of thoughts put in these few entries, but more of some light materials that i think rather interesting to share with. especially to those who dont have much to do in their daily lives. so these few entries might give u some ideas of things that you can do. well, i came across a typing test through this one bloke’s blog, Naim Husni Latif. me being me, quite competitive in nature decided to test my typing speed. i’ve tested myself in 2 languages, namely English and Bahasa. so the results are as below:

anyway, kalau takde kerja nk buat.. sila la test urself..  it shud be fun!!