dark clouds are all over me now. there’s no sun to brighten up my day.

well, im pretty much unsure why am i being so emotional lately. i feel like im being forced to live in an unstable emotional state. being cranky all day long, and in fact all week long, isnt very exciting. honestly, it kills me. it kills everything i have.

sometimes i feel like people are giving me hell lately.

asking me to do things i dont want to do.. – like ‘duh.. it’s not even a part of my responsibility. it yours actually.. and y the hell did u ask me to do it. i would help if i could. but, not now. i dont feel like doing anything. i just feel like doing my work, go back home and sleep. i wish i cud live a life like that for the time being. but as always, reality bites. it doesnt always go the way u want it to be. and worst of all, i have to succumb to that.

questioning all my actions – which dont matter to them at all… some people, they are just born as busy bodies. they get nosy about everything, including those that dont concern them. hey biatches, grow up and get a life. i do what i want to do. and i dont think that my actions give impact to ur life anyway. so why bother questioning when u get nothing out of it. dont u know that by questioning all of my actions, u’ve actually stepped too close into my personal space..? and tell u what, i hate it very much. i need my space! as long as i dont question ur actions, then please step back!!

blame me on all of the problems – i dont know why i always end up in people mess. and somehow, im indirectly involved in the mess as well. sometimes people come to me and ask me some advice. well, claiming myself as a good friend, i wud definitely tell them what i think about their problems. the nature of giving and taking advice, each party should know that they have to consider everything before taking one’s advices. they cant simply take it without even consider it themselves. and if things went wrong, then i’ll be put the blame on. happened to me a few times and it happened again lately. so, sometimes i feel like well, there’s no use of giving advice to people anymore. at the end of the day, i’d be blamed again!

giving me that cynical looks – which i dont think i deserve them… just becoz im a bit different from u? well, honestly u act like a baby. u judged me, but i didnt. u said i cant accept negative comments, but in fact i’ve explained my situation, gave reasons for my actions and considered ur comments. well, if i think tht the comments are not true, then of course i have to defend myself professionally. and when i do so, u said im being defensive, when u r the one who actually have issues with urself. 

treating me like i know nothing about the world – i am a 24–year old guy. i’m a grown up adult. for god sake. dont treat me like im a toddler. i dont like people to dictate my life as if im incapable of doing so. i have a life and i want to lead my life as i like. u dont tell me to do things just becoz u feel it’s right to do so. u dont blame me just bcoz i dont do things u asked me to do. bcoz it’s my life and i have the total right to do things my way.

phew… finally, im able to finish this after a few times saved it as a draft. well, this entry is written when im being enveloped with negative energies. so im sure some of u might feel as if im directing some of the issues up there to u. but honestly, i dont think that the ones im directing to, know the existence of this blog anyway. but if u feel like im talking about u, please ask me to confirm. i dont want our relationship goes sour just becoz of this one.

and last but not least,

“dark clouds please go away, little mien wanna play”

There will be no more free credit cards which are currently being used extensively. A fee of Rm 50 will be charged to the users per year.

*sucks*

im paying a pretty high interest for any overdraft to the bank. now i have to pay that RM50 charge every year for my “free for life” credit card”. how sucks is that.

and i just cant wait…

taken from http://www.theheritagebangkok.com

Well, well, well — how long has this been going on? Could it be that while you weren’t looking, something kindled (or rekindled) between the two of you just when you least expected it? Isn’t that always the way it is with romance? Just when you thought it had gone for good, it always pops up again. Go ahead and see where this goes — it’s too good an opportunity to waste.

* back-dated entry

coz for us (from boyz to men to brothers), each ending usually ends with ‘see u again soon’. and that’s what we always hold on to. and after being parted for the past 6 months trying to start our new life, we decided to meet again. this time around, the reunion, for me, was indeed a special one. it’s more of celebrating our relationship that has been going on since the first day we registered ourselves in the college. then, it started to build up to something more special that just coursemates, housemates or roomates. we are proud to say that we are friends and brothers despite the fact that we are from different background; family, race and religion.

throughout the college years, we have stood to each other no matter what. it’s undeniable that there were times when we were not in snych with each other. we had differences. but we managed to bridge those differences and accepted them. that what makes us bonded really well. altho we have different characters, but we are very open minded. everything else, doesnt matter anymore.

so here I would like to share some photos during our reunion at the Italiannies at the garden. A very nice restaurant for fine dining. It was a great dinner. Unfortunately I was really ill that nite and wasnt able to stay for long. Im sure some of u might have seen the photos i uploaded on Facebook, or might have seen it at Jarod’s blog, but to those who havent, here you are…

“two”?? haha it supposed to be From Boys to Men to Brothers Reunion. LOL

the brothers. well, some of us.

the ones who showed up. too bad not all were able to attend.

this charming guy drove all the way from JB for the dinner. auwww

US. haha sorry i ruined the picture. i wasnt smiling at all… Tioman next!

Lately, everything seems to depress me. I dont know why, but it seems like im lost in my own mind. perhaps i am thinking too much about negative things that happened around me lately. Im a bit of a thinker. I cant help myself to think, even over small things. I know, it’s bad too dwell into those negative things, but i just cant help it.. as a result, im really really depressed. haha an when im depressed, i think of my family. but we are ocean apart, and im homesick! it makes me cry like a baby.. oh darn it! hehe

neway, my parents flew off to mecca to perform their umrah yesterday. im happy for them coz they have been longing to go there for a very long time now. but, im pretty sad coz i couldnt send them off. all my family members were there at the airport, but me. what more can be so frustating than that..? and im stuck here in this kampung with no mobile coverage. sux big time. lucky the internet is ok now. and i could get to know my parents’ being chatting with my sis. *frustated* *demotivated* *homesick*. despite all these negative feelings, im hoping that they will do just fine over there and will perform their umrah perfectly.

i knew that it’s gonna be hard for me to call them once i get back to beluran, so i called them a few times during the weekend. and my mom was like “abe ado masalah ko..?” after receiving a few continuous calls from me. sape yang tak pelik, tak pernah2 aku buat macam tu.. hahaha.. and jus before i hang up, i did ask my mom to pray for my safety and success. i did ask her to pray that i will be a better muslim too…

arghh writing this entry makes me feel homesick again. i better stop! daaa… ~

since i was a small kid, school holiday is always the time for people to get married. and up until now, the trend is still unchanged and im sure it will not be changing soon. but previously, i just went to some relatives’ weddings, but now, im attending my friends’. the same age as me, but already married or getting married. not that i envy them really. but it’s something that i find rather interesting and amusing at the same time. how come they wanna get married so soon, when im still struggling to stabilise my own life. haha.. still a bit too unstable to actually share the life with someone else. lol.

neway. here i would like to congratulate a few friends of mine who got married during the school holiday. im sorry for not being able to attend your wedding as i was really tide up by time. too many things/events to do at a very limited of time. really couldnt manage my time well. thus i cudnt not attend your weddings altho i did receive ur invitations. it is something that i regret, and im truly sorry.

so, to dearest;

Soya and Najeeb – Selamat Pengantin Baru. Hope u will be able to share ur lifetime together forever without much disturbance. Remember, marriage is not always a smooth sailing journey. there’ll be time when thunders and hurricanes strike. but if u believe that ur love towards each other is true, then u r strong enuff to face all those. gud luck in that. and have fun having a long honeymoon in Pulau Tioman. damn. im jealous now. hahaha

Hafiz and Asmah – ooo man, i can believe tht u guys are already married. and now boleh la korang menaiki kereta bersama coz u r legally married. hahah congratz to both of u. again, im very sorry that i cudnt attend ur wedding. the date was too close to my sis’ wedding. neway im sure gonna meet u guys here in kota kinabalu soon. not sure. maybe next week. together with a few others kot. ape2 pon, congratz again. jaga asmah elok2. and asmah, jaga hafiz elok2… u made it thru the tests all these while. 6 years being together as a couple is really an achievement. what makes it more special is that it ends with a marriage. you guys rock!! moga cepat2 dapat baby. bha, kalau ko dh kawin sama org saba, ko duduk sia sini, jangan pindah2 bha. hahaha

so far, no more invitation received. but im sure, there’ll be more soon. dont forget to send me invitation ok. next time, i’ll try to plan my time so that i can go to your weddings.

and last but not least, dont ask when im getting married, because i, myself, not sure when.. hahaha.. been harrased a lot by my uncles and aunts during my sis’ wedding. nosy people. lol

wah.. minggu ni macam laju je aku menghapdet blog aku. not so much of thoughts put in these few entries, but more of some light materials that i think rather interesting to share with. especially to those who dont have much to do in their daily lives. so these few entries might give u some ideas of things that you can do. well, i came across a typing test through this one bloke’s blog, Naim Husni Latif. me being me, quite competitive in nature decided to test my typing speed. i’ve tested myself in 2 languages, namely English and Bahasa. so the results are as below:

anyway, kalau takde kerja nk buat.. sila la test urself..  it shud be fun!!

i’ve been tagged again. and this time around, my very own creative bloke, Kouda tagged me! it’s been awhile really. since 23^rd april, but only last nite did i find out about it. sorry dude. it shows how long i havent been to your blog. ampun! been busy kot. haha alasannnn… :p neway, this tagging game is kinda cool too. so here’s how to play it;

This is more fun if you haven’t cleaned up your workspace in AGES. XD

1. IMMEDIATELY take a picture of your workspace. DO NOT ADJUST OR MOVE ANYTHING. Where’s the fun in that? Lol.
2. Find at least 5 things on your table that you think needs some explaining. (Like an object that isn’t supposed to be there).
3. Explain those items.
4. Tag your friends, or whoever that you feel has nothing better to do. Lol. Especially tag those who haven’t updated their blog in ages. Bagi inisiatif la konon ni. XD.

1.
IMMEDIATELY take a picture of your workspace. DO NOT ADJUST OR MOVE ANYTHING. Where’s the fun in that? Lol.

Honestly i didnt adjust anything. u can see how messy my workplace is.. haaha too lazy to organise it. :p

2.
Find at least 5 things on your table that you think needs some explaining. (Like an object that isn’t supposed to be there).

ok. the 5 items are as circled. there’s not much to be explained really, but i’ll try.

3. Explain those items.

4. Tag your friends, or whoever that you feel has nothing better to do. Lol. Especially tag those who haven’t updated their blog in ages. Bagi inisiatif la konon ni. XD.

So, here.. Im tagging;

1. Musica Hikaru (last time mintak aku tag, so here u go)
2. Soya (she’s very creative.. i wanna see her workplace)
3. Najibu (i dont think he’d do this, but wth..)

p/s: dont play a game with my heart, my heart! :p

well last nite, one of my lecturers when i was in the matriculation college (she’s teaching in uitm penang now) contacted me about an offer given to graduate like i am to work part time in uitm and at the same time doing my masters. i think, it is a good offer. once i get into the system, it’s really easy for me to be in the system forever. but since im bonded with the government, it’s really hard for me to step out of it just like that.

and i’ve been thinking about this since last nite. and i even had a horrible nightmare last nite thinking about what to happen if i take the offer. and it scares me to death thinking about it.

1. i wish im not bonded.

2. but i am, apparently.

3. bonded to a 3–4 year contract.

4. and 3–4 year, what does it mean..?

5. who get to decide the duration..?

6. and what if i take the offer?

7. ethically, im being selfish..

8. i’ve used people’s money for my education, yet im escaping myself from serving them back.

9. but i’ll be serving people too.

10. being an educator in a higher learning institution.

11. at the end of the day, im still serving our people, rite??

12. so does it wrong ethically to bridge that contract??

i dont know. i dont know. seriously have no idea what to do. i got a few options really.

1. just stick to current position without much fuzz. get absorbed by the system and become like the others. become lose hope with the system, but feel complacent with the situation. well, another lazy ass in the makin.

2. take the offer. bridge the contract.and be happy with it… despite the fact that i have to bear all the consequences that will fall unto me as soon as i decide to take on the offer. get into another system, and put my finger crossed that the system suits me better.

but it’s not easy to decide. will i survive the thunders and hurricanes that may come along the way..? and i’ve asked a few people about this, and mostly said that im being ungrateful and i dont think far enuff. for god sake, i just merely asking for opinions so that i cud have broader perspectives of the issue. not that as if i’ve already decided to take on the offer and leave the school today! daaaa… there’s no need to make personal judgement and attack towards me, okeyh coz i dont really need that. and, there’s no need to compare between me or my batch and people in your cohort, for god sake. like “bukan nk katalaa, i rasa batch cohort1 lagi pk panjang”. it’s really unnecessary. it pretty much subjective and when we are comparing with too many people in one comparison, we tend to overgeneralise it. and that’s y i dont think it’s really necessary to voice that kind of remark. it doesnt help much with the issue really. to those i’ve  quoted, jgn amik ati. no heart feelings okie. merely expressing my thought. i know u wont makan hati. kita kan gengobabes, that’s y i love u much.. haha

but,

the most important question that i have to ask myself, “is that what i really want?”..  im still looking for the answer.

well as for now, im just gonna put it aside as another option that i wud opt to when it’s possible.

p/s: no proof reading has been made to this entry. expect some grammatical errors (either alarmining or mild ones) :p